Big Age Gap: Understanding Sibling Bonds

My sister and I are 10 years and 4 months apart. Above is a recent photo of us – she was a guest at my podcast.

I have spoken little about our age gap, because it felt like, oh, well, that‘s how it is, what‘s there to think about?! I have started reflecting on it only recently: about my own experiences (especially about the things I did not like) and about how it must have been for my sister (an older sister who wasn’t exactly an ambassador for gentle parenting – and was annoyed and fed up at times!)

So, I decided to open my new blog with this article – about the sibling age gap.

Also – as I started reflecting – I realized that one of the main reasons I wanted my children close in age was because my sister and I were 10 years apart! It’s not that I did not like it, but – apparently – I didn’t like it enough to repeat in my own family 😀

When people imagine siblings, they might picture noise, cries, shouts, and squabbles over toys or bathroom time. But what happens when ten (or more!) years—a whole decade—separates one child from the next? For many parents, this age gap brings up questions: Will they be close? Can they truly connect? What will their relationship look like? I am sure that my mother had those same questions 35+ years ago, but they were‘nt as acute since parenting was not such a big topic back then.

As it turns out, sibling relationships with a large age difference are not only possible—they can be deeply meaningful, uniquely tender, and rich with emotional growth. But, like all relationships, they need understanding, intention, and time. And – like all relationships – they’re not easy.

What Research Tells Us About the Big Age Gap

Studies in developmental psychology and family systems theory reveal that sibling relationships are shaped not just by age but by family dynamics, parental involvement, shared experiences, and emotional climate at home.

According to research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, large age gaps often result in less sibling rivalry but fewer shared peer experiences, especially in the early years. The younger sibling is often perceived more like a “baby” or even a “child” of the older one, while the older sibling may step into a quasi-parental role.

Dr. Laurie Kramer, a professor of Applied Family Studies, emphasizes that the quality of the relationship—not the quantity of shared experiences—matters most. She notes, “Siblings don’t need to be peers to be close. What they need is a sense of emotional availability, mutual respect, and time together in meaningful ways.”

This doesn’t happen automatically.

Challenges and How to Bridge Them

It’s actually important to acknowledge that it’s not always easy. A ten-and-more-years difference can sometimes feel like a full generational divide (and it is, especially nowadays!), especially in households where the family’s routines, values, or stability have shifted over time (as they do).

Here are some common challenges faced by families with this dynamic—and ways to gently navigate them:

1. Lack of Shared Interests or Developmental Stages

A preschooler’s world revolves around pretend play. A teenager may be more interested in independence and peer relationships. Naturally, their orbits don’t always align. I remember this was the most annoying period since I wanted to hang out with my friends or I wanted them to come for a sleepover, but they could not, because my sister and I shared a room.

What helps:

• Set expectations with both children about what connection can realistically look like.
• Encourage small, shared activities that don’t require a perfect match.
• Remind the older child that even brief moments of presence mean a lot.

2. The “Mini Parent” Trap

Older siblings often take on quasi-parental roles, especially if the household depends on them for help. While this can lead to maturity, it can also cause resentment.

What helps:

• Avoid assigning regular caretaking duties unless they express genuine interest.
• Praise their helpfulness without framing it as a duty.
• Let them just be siblings—playing, chatting, bonding—not co-parents.

3. Jealousy or Unequal Attention

The older child may remember being the center of attention. Now, the younger one receives more cuddles or parenting energy.

What helps:

• Spend one-on-one time with each child.
• Celebrate the older child’s unique journey.
• Be honest about how parenting has changed and acknowledge their feelings.

4. Separation Due to Life Stages

By the time the younger sibling wants deeper connection, the older one may have moved out. This can lead to feelings of abandonment or longing.

What helps:

• Create ongoing rituals—Sunday calls, shared photo albums, letters.
• Encourage recorded messages or voice memos.
• Keep the connection present and evolving despite physical distance.

The Older Sibling: Protector, Mentor, or Distant Figure?

Older siblings in a ten-or-more-years gap often feel a mix of emotions: pride, responsibility, curiosity, and at times, jealousy or detachment. Especially if they are navigating identity and independence, a new sibling can feel like an interruption.

For me, I wanted my sister A LOT. Like, I really, really wanted to have a sibling. Therefore, I didn’t complain and tried to be happy at all times – I would always tell myself “but I wanted her!” Silly me! Now I know it would have been healthier to acknowledge the mixed feelings and not to fester, but, oh, well – sometimes it takes time to figure things out.

Studies show that when parents include older children in caregiving roles (without overburdening them), it can strengthen empathy and maturity.

Sounds easy, but there’s no recipe: some children will feel overburdened even with little and some won’t even with a lot. I think we just need to be able to say that I’ve tried my best, I did the best I could. Looking back I know that’s what my mother did. And – even if at times we – the older ones – complain – at some point we should grow up and LET IT GO.

The Younger Sibling: Watching a Hero

Younger siblings often grow up looking up. They see their sibling as a hero, a teacher, a mysterious figure in a world they don’t yet understand.

They may also feel sadness when the older sibling leaves home early.

But with thoughtful connection, that gap can be bridged through rituals of connection: video calls, shared games, or family traditions.

OR you just wait until they get older and find something that binds them.

The Mother in the Middle

Mothers, more than anyone, are the emotional bridge between children of different eras.

You mothered your older child in one season of life. You now mother your younger one in a different chapter. It’s okay if it feels different. It is different.

What matters most is that you hold space for both: the adolescent on the brink of adulthood and the child just beginning their journey. In doing so, you become the translator, the connector, the keeper of their shared story.

Building the Bridge

So, how can you nurture this special sibling bond? Here are a few research-backed and heart-driven suggestions:

1. Create shared rituals: Weekly pancake breakfasts, bedtime stories, or shared playlists breed connection.
2. Encourage emotional expression: Let both siblings talk about how they feel about the gap.
3. Avoid over-parentification: Let the older sibling say no, and respect their space.
4. Celebrate differences: Let them be close because they’re different.
5. Model connection: Share your own sibling stories and normalize evolving relationships.

A Final Thought

The ten-year gap might mean the children won’t grow up together in the classic sense. But they can grow up with each other in a way that is no less profound. Even if we’re ten years apart only my sister understands the annoying traits of our mom 😀 Or dad 😀 Noone gets it better. Noone gets the quirks of our family. And the joys.

You’re not raising two children on the same track. You’re raising two humans whose lives will forever intertwine in a way that is layered, evolving, and rooted in shared love. Just like any other siblings.

You – their mother – are the bridge when their gap seems – and is – big. And over time, they’ll build their own. So…don’t worry. Honestly, I think we worry too much. And we blame our parents too much nowadays. We should get our stuff together and just enjoy our parents. After all, they are doing it for the first time.

As for bridges – my sister and I have built ours. I hope you – or your children – do, too.